This post is a personal one for me. It’s a part of my life that has shaped me more than anything else, but it’s also the part I’ve been most limited to share about.
More recently, however, the Lord has been moving in our family’s life, leading us to share more about the journey we’ve been on for nearly two decades.
A large portion of my 19 years of motherhood have been spent sitting outside or inside of my son’s room, trying to protect him (and myself and our family) as his illness turned him into someone he couldn’t control. Nineteen years of memories and experiences that my husband and I mostly carry alone due to its complicated nature.
Neurodivergence, mental illness, Neurological Lyme, PANDAS, call it what you may—it’s impacted every part of our son’s life and family’s life.
But today, that’s not the primary focus of what I want to share. I want to share the miracle that God has been doing in our lives despite was seemed impossible.
This same child, who we wondered if he even had the ability to grasp the gospel with the complexities of his illness, gave his life to Christ several years ago in a miraculous way (which is technically always a miracle!). After years of sharing the gospel with him after multiple hour long episodes, this particular day he fell in a heap on the floor and pleaded for God to change him, to save him from the sin and suffering within.
God answered. From that day forward, the darkness that surrounded his mental illness/neurodivergence dissipated. It became clear that he had the Spirit of God within him.
And yet, did it take his illness away? No. At the time, the Lord chose not to. But it did take the enemy’s power out of it, removing the scary darkness behind his eyes in these moments of heartbreaking struggle. He was still sick, but Satan’s power within it was restrained.
Fast forward to 2021 and we had to make one of the hardest decisions a parent has to make to get him the help he needed. He was removed from our home for several agonizing months. I’ve never endured something so painful.
But God worked miracles in his heart and mind during this season. Christ’s power penetrated through the impossible, not necessarily healing him physically, but enabling him to heal and grow spiritually despite it. Yet, as thankful as I was for some of that healing, my heart still struggled deeply with the effects of 19 painful years. I honestly didn’t know if our relationship could ever be fully healed.
By God’s grace, this past year we’ve done extensive physical treatments, seeing some encouraging growth and healing, both physically and mentally.
Even more remarkably, my son recently looked at me and said, “Mom, I’m so sorry for how much I’ve hurt you in my life and how badly I’ve treated you. You didn’t deserve that and I feel so sad for how much pain my struggles have caused you. I didn’t think I’d ever feel hope in life, but I do because you haven’t given up on me.”
Once I picked my jaw up from the floor, tears welled up. This was nothing short of God’s miraculous work in a heart and mind that mental science would deem impossible. But that’s God’s specialty, doing the impossible.
I know we aren’t the only ones who have walked this lonely, excruciating journey. And none of us have a guaranteed outcome. We haven’t been promised healing, our child’s salvation, or the earthly outcome we desire. But we can find rest and hope in the promised goodness and faithfulness of our God. A God who loves to redeem the unredeemable.
Even after nineteen years of living a story that healing and redemption seemed impossible apart from a miracle, we can say along with Joseph in Genesis 50:20:
“As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.”
God’s power is greater than the enemy’s. He may not change your circumstances in the way or timetable you desire, but as these trials drive you nearer to the sustaining presence of Jesus, he will not leave you unchanged. No matter how hopeless or pointless your trials may seem at the moment, be encouraged—nothing is impossible or wasted in the hands of our redeeming God.
Don’t lose hope. Your story isn’t finished.
Home is around the corner,
Sarah Walton
Order Sarah’s New Book
Jesus Will Meet You There
Set Apart 
What a testimony to what Jesus said, “What’s impossible with man is not impossible with God.” My own journey has been filled with prayers to better grasp the interplay that occurs in the embodied spirits we are as humans. I see this interplay as your son cried out to the Lord to save him from the “sin and suffering within.” We need healing from our physical afflictions and from the sin which causes wrong responses to the suffering (I know this from personal experience). It is such an encouragement to observe through your story the evidence of though outwardly (i.e. continued physical effects of illness) we are wasting away, inwardly (i.e. spiritual transformation) we are being renewed every day. And, even in our groanings we can walk in confident hope that one day even our physical being with be healed and glorified like our Lord Jesus! Praying for us all to persevere to the end.
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The kind and apologetic words your son said to you were a gift from heaven. 🙂
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